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Planning
the Guest List
By Sue
Durio
Your wedding day is one of the most special moments in your
life - and one you’ll want to share with the special people in
your life. But, as many couples have learned, creating the guest
list can be one of the most complicated aspects of their wedding
planning. And even with the best planning, the unexpected is
sure to arise. You can minimize surprises, unexpected expenses
and hurt feelings with some simple planning techniques.
What’s Your Budget?
The best way to manage your budget is to manage your guest list.
Food and drinks are typically the most expensive costs of a
wedding. A full buffet or plated dinner can run $25 to $200,
depending on food selections and location. For an open bar, a
good rule of thumb is approximately 1 1/2 to 2 drinks per person
per hour. Since catering is charged on a per-person basis, it’s
easy to see how the costs of an additional 20 or 30 invitations
can quickly impact your budget, particularly since most
invitations are for a couple. Decide what you can afford, and
how many people you can afford to invite. If your budget is
tight, keep it small.
What’s Your Dream Wedding?
Have you always dreamed of an intimate wedding in a small
country chapel, or a big bash with all your friends and family?
What does your fiancé want? You may decide it is more important
to have a more expensive meal for 30 people, rather than a large
event on a tight budget. Once you’ve determined the type of
wedding you both envision, you’ll have a better idea of the
appropriate guest list size. Start with your wish list of
guests, but be ready to cut.
What’s the Venue?
If your dream wedding is in the small country chapel, inviting
several hundred people probably is not realistic. You’ll need to
decide what is more important - the location or the number of
guests. Keeping the wedding small not only cuts costs; it gives
you the freedom to consider more non-traditional settings like a
small inn, yacht or elegant restaurant. If your guest list just
simply can’t be cut, look for a larger venue rather than trying
to pack too many people into an uncomfortable space. The venue’s
event coordinator can provide estimates for wedding and
reception seating capacity. Be sure the facility has adequate
parking for your guests as well.
Who’s Paying?
Traditionally, the bride’s parents paid for the wedding and
determined the number of guests to be invited. However, many
couples today pay part – or all – of their wedding tab and are
more likely to determine the guest list.
If your parents are paying, talk to them first about the number
of guests they want and how those invitations will be divided
between the bride’s parents, groom’s parents and the couple. You
may find that your parents have a larger guest list in mind than
your dream ‘small chapel’ wedding will accommodate. If they are
paying the bill, try to keep their wishes in mind and negotiate
a comfortable compromise you both can live with.
If you and your fiancé are footing the tab, it will be easier
for you to determine the guest list size but be sensitive to
parents’ wishes. In the end, a few extra guests will not make a
huge difference in the bottom line and may be worth adding to
avoid hurt feelings.
How Do We Estimate RSVPs?
According to wedding consultant Linda Kevich, “The formula
commonly used for estimating how many people will attend is to
double the number of invitations that you send and subtract 33%.
Example: If you issue 120 invitations, expect 161 guests to
attend.”
In other words, typically about two thirds of your invitees will
actually attend. However, these are just guidelines. Don’t
invite people thinking they ‘will never show’. Be prepared for
surprises.
For one thing, it’s not uncommon for guests to mistakenly RSVP
for more guests than you invited. Says Kevich, “ Most wedding
guest lists end up, believe it or not, with a few additional
names added by guests themselves.
“Many people mistakenly believe that because it is up to them to
fill in the response card with the number of guests attending,
they are ‘allowed’ to include an additional guest or two, should
they feel it appropriate. They do this, intending no harm, often
entirely unaware that this is any form of social blunder,” she
says.
If that occurs, you’ll have to decide whether adding the guest
causes a real problem - for instance, if you are already at your
venue’s capacity. If so, the best solution is to call the
individual to whom the invitation was sent (or have the groom’s
parents call if it involves one of their guests) and politely
let them know that while you would like to accommodate the extra
guest, your facility already is at capacity.
If the extra guest is not causing a real problem, the best
response is no response. Remember the social fauxpaus was
probably not intentional, and you will be better served by
graciously ignoring it.
How Do We Create the List?
Once you have determined how many guests to invite, divide the
number in thirds:
1/3 - Guests of the bride’s parents
1/3 - Guests of the groom’s parents
1/3 - Guest of the bride and groom.
Next, prioritize each list into three separate categories.
A List: Must Haves - These are the people you have to
invite. That includes family and close friends. Also on this
list should be the officiant and their spouse or guest. “Who is
so important that you can’t imagine getting married without them
there? Until you have your reception and ceremony venues
finalized, you won’t know how big your guest list can be,” says
freelance wedding consultant Nina Calloway. “However, it’s a
good idea at this stage of the game to start counting family and
your closest friends, and get a sense of how many essential
invites you have. After all, if you have 60 essential invites,
you should probably forget about the charming chapel that only
seats 50.”
Also send invitations to your parents and the wedding party, as
a keepsake. They don’t have to reply. Wedding etiquette experts
also say children over the age of 16 should receive their own
invitation.
B List: Should Haves - These are the people you should
invite, such as distant family members and good
friends/acquaintances. The B List guests are the ones with which
most couples struggle the most. Do you really need to invite
your mom’s great aunt from Kalamazoo? How about her staff from
the office? A good rule of thumb: invite only people you
personally know and like.
“As for friends-in-law you wish you’d never met, start with this
crucial connubial ground rule: You two are separate people with
different tastes,” says Calloway. “You don’t have to like each
other’s friends, but hey, letting them share some champagne with
you on your big day is not going to hurt anyone.”
C List: Like To Haves - These are the ones you’d like to
include if there is room. This might be your first-grade friend
you haven’t seen in years, or old neighbors and business
associates.
“If the issue at hand is the potentially hurt feelings of the
uninvited, remember that remote cousins often feel as
indifferent toward
you as you do toward them, and may be happy not to come. The
same goes for distant friends,” says Calloway. “A wedding is not
an excuse to round up every lost intimate friend you have known
since you were 10 — focus on people who matter now.”
What About the ‘no way are we inviting them’ Guests?
If there are ex-girlfriends, ex-spouses, obnoxious drunks or
estranged family with whom you’d rather not share your special
day, now is the time to speak up. Together decide who is
absolutely not on the guest list.
How Do We Handle “No Children”?
For some couples, one of those not-welcome groups is children.
You have a few options for letting your guests know not to bring
their children. One is simply to leave their names off the
invitation. Secondly, you can rely on family to pass the word
that children aren’t invited. Or, you can take the direct
approach so there is no misunderstanding or hurt feelings. On
the invitation reply card, include wording such as:
* Adult Reception
* We hope that the (# of) of you will be able to join us.
Remember, however, that ‘no children’ means no children. Bend
the rules for your favorite niece, and you’ll have a lot of hurt
guests.
Who Pays For Extra Guests over the Allotted Number?
Once you have established the number of guests each group
(parents and couple) may invite, any additional guests should be
at the expense of the individual initiating the invitation. If
the groom’s parents add an extra 50 names to their list, for
instance, you should remind them of your budget and ask that
they either trim their list or cover the additional costs.
Do Shower Guests have to be Invited to the Wedding?
The short answer is yes. Inviting people to a wedding shower,
but
not to the wedding, implies that you are only interested in a
gift. Avoid hurt feelings by assuming that any guest at a bridal
shower (with the exception of office-hosted bridal showers) will
also be on your wedding guest list.
How Can We Trim the List?
So you’ve prioritized the list, and made initial cuts - yet it
is still too large. You may be able to trim the list a bit more
with these steps:
• Make the reception “adult only”. Caterers charge per person,
even little persons. While children won’t consume much, they
still add to your bottom line.
• Don’t invite coworkers. “Nixing all office invites is a simple
way to pull in the reins on your ever-growing guest count,” says
bridal consultant Anita Henry.
• Limit the number of friends your parents invite. If they are
inviting friends of their own, especially ones you barely know,
set a limit for both sets of parents and stick to it if space
and budget are limited. Wedding announcements can be sent to
those not on the list, in lieu of invitations.
• Eliminate the “and guest” if a friend or relative is not in a
serious relationship, says Henry. As long as there are familiar
faces at the reception, your solo friend will be fine.
• Invite only close family. That third cousin or your
first-grade best friend you haven’t seen in years probably won’t
care that they are not invited.
How Do We Stay Organized?
Managing your guest list can be as simple as creating an Excel
spreadsheet that tracks names, addresses, RSVPs, gifts and
thank-you notes. For a low-tech option, set up a card file
system. Simply create a card file with each guest’s name and
address. Highlight the name (for instance, pink for guests of
the bride’s parents, blue for guests of the groom’s parents, and
green for guests of the wedding couple) to help in seating
arrangements. Leave room at the top of each card to note RSVPs,
and provide space elsewhere to track gifts received and
thank-you notes mailed.
Several online tools are also available at
www.austinweddingday.com that helps manage the guest list and
provides a web site for the wedding couple.
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